I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
