Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
