I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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