dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
