I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
