I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
