my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
