My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
