I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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