I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
