I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
