guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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