I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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