I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
