Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize