I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
