apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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