There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize