um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
even my farts smell like vagina
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
