I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
