I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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