Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
