If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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