You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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