i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
