he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
