So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
