Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
