My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
