i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
