they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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