Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
