i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
