dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
