Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
