Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
