you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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