this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
