$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
