I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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