no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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