im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
