a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
