You work out of a Hotel?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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