he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
