I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
