john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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