after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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