I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
