It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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