I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize