Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Small penises have feelings too.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
