My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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