Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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