I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
