so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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