why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
