apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
