I am spending my child support on dildos
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
