Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
