can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
