She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
