Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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