she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
